The Road Isn’t Always Smooth

Growing up I was raised in a church and was baptized at 8 years old. By the time I was 15 I had left the faith. After that I started dabbling with the pagan religion of Wicca, but I still felt empty and told myself I was an atheist. Technically I wasn’t, though; I still felt like maybe there was something more to the universe than dying and being eaten by worms. In July, I gave my heart to Jesus and I know it was the right decision. It may have taken me a while but I made it. And the realization I’ve made today, shows me that the journey started WAY before I had any idea it had begun.

Around the Year of 2010

My daughter Paige has always been such a caring, giving, and generous person. She was a preteen that year, and was of course getting into clothes and all things girly. To help pay for this desire for all the cool gear, we told her she needed to get a job. It just so happened that she was offered a job by her bus driver to help take care of her bunnies. It didn’t pay a lot, but she could ride the bus there, and it wasn’t too far from our house. Upon getting this job, she decided to donate money and sponsor a kid through Compassion. She was inspired to do this by her Aunt Colleen and cousins, Jess and Becca, who had been doing the same for years. Such a blessing to see my daughter give so selflessly and help another person.

Fast Forward to Easter of 2014

As a mom of a teenager, a preteen and my baby bear who was 8 at the time, I felt like I needed help getting better morals on board.  I remembered from my youth how important the 10 commandments were for helping to develop me, and decided to take my kids to church. What better day to go than Easter? It started out as a blessing; we loved the messages, and the songs. We even switched our radio station from the rock/metal station to the Christian music station. The kids and I had been going to a church for about a year when my husband found out that a guy he was playing racquetball with was a Pastor.

The Year 2015

My husband wasn’t attending church with us, but he ended up asking the Pastor a few questions about the Bible, like which version was the best one to study from. That turned into a Bible study, which turned into a weekly Bible study, which turned into us having Bible studies as a family. Slowly but surely we came around and realized that what we were reading in the Bible didn’t line up with the things we were learning at the church we were going to. It may have helped that we went to a marriage retreat with the other church and saw some behavior involving the pastor that didn’t seem to fit into the “would I do this in front of Jesus” category. We decided to start going to the new pastor’s church, and in September 2016, Troy was baptized. I wasn’t quite ready yet, even though I had initiated all this church stuff.

The Beginning of 2017

I made my mind up that I was mentally ready to start preparing for baptism. I even put it on my vision board. Then February hit. I lost one grandpa, then another, then a regular customer who I loved like a grandpa passed all within less than a month of each other. I’m so thankful I was participating in the Nedley’s Depression and Anxiety Recovery Program at the time. If I hadn’t I probably would have had a larger downward spiral. In all that struggle, it took all I had not to start drinking again. When I was headed to the last memorial service, all I saw along the way was signs for wineries, and it crossed my mind that I could have a drink and no one would know. Worst case scenario I could stay at my sister’s house…  I knew that one drink would turn into two, or three, or four. I knew that alcohol would not help in that situation; it’s a depressant, not a joy giver.

July 26, 2017

That’s the day I decided I was ready.

In all honesty, it took me until three days before my baptism to realize I was ready. To realize that even through the chaos and dysfunction of the world, and the doubt of my ability to be worthy of Jesus’ sacrifice, there was no better time than now to recommit my life.

What really made me realize that I am worthy, was the last study I had with our Pastor. I couldn’t think of anything I needed to repent for; I just felt unworthy. I felt like I still wanted to do some of the things that Jesus didn’t want me to do. I felt ashamed to still have those desires. Our Pastor shared with me the story of Judas. Even at the last supper when Judas had already planned to betray Jesus, even when Jesus knew Judas was going to betray Him, He washed his feet. He gave Himself to him in the most humble way. Jesus loved Judas even in his betrayal, and that showed me that Jesus loves me. He wants me to succeed and be closer to him, just like he wants you to be also. I knew I was ready after that. I knew that even if I wanted to drink alcohol, I wanted to be closer to Jesus more.

Looking Back

I can’t help but think that all those little steps were God’s way of coming back into my life. He meets us where we are and helps us grow to where He wants us to be. We just have to be open to what He is sending us. We have to be diligent in studying and remember that like Jesus served Judas, we should be removing self from the equation and serving each other. God is love, and that’s the answer.

Everyday from here on out…

I’m going to continue studying the Bible and continue praying because I know that it will only draw me closer to the Lord. And I want to encourage you to be on the lookout for the signs that He is putting out for you in an attempt to draw you closer too.

✨Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.✨ Matthew 11:29

If you’d like to have someone to study the Bible with I’d love to study it with you. They say the best way to learn is to teach, so even if I’m nervous and mix up my words or panic and turn red in the face, I want to spread the love I have learned about. ❤️

Fill out the form below if you’re interested in starting studies.

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Goodbye Bikini!

Say what?!?

First off, I want to say that this is my own personal decision. This decision was a mental battle to start and now that I’ve made it, this decision feels right in my heart. I just want to be brutally honest and share with you why I’ve chosen to put the bikini away, unless I’m on a deserted island with the hubs maybe. 😉

A Little Backstory

When I was a young kid, the opposite sex was ALWAYS on my mind, the same sex even. I’m not sure why, I never had a traumatic experience, that I know of at least. I’m going to go with it being part of our carnal human instincts.

When I was in the 4th grade my parents divorced and we moved into some low income apartments with my mom. I made friends with two neighbor girls, one house was very religious and one house was very, how shall I say it, free spirited? I loved to play barbies, line dance to Achy Breaky Heart and Thriller of course, that cassette tape sadly died. Silliness soon changed into more adult conversations. One of my friends always talked heavier about time with boys than I had dared venturing to try. It created a bigger desire to become more enticing to guys. I was a tiny little thing, flat chested and athletic and she started developing curves way earlier than me. The itty bitty committee was not something I was proud to be a part of. Thankfully I was too shy to act on any impulse I may have had to start experimenting. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t start trying to dress to impress. Note the picture from my first day of sixth grade. 🙈

Hello thigh highs…


As I grew older I stayed active in sports until about my sophomore year in High School. I had developed depression and an even bigger decrease in self confidence. Being called dog eyes and again choosing friends who weren’t the best influence had me always questioning my self worth and looking for acceptance. I became more free about my body, quit wearing a bra and really let myself hang out. I’m not saying that not wearing a bra is a bad thing, just that I was doing it for attention. I was the girl you see around town and wonder if her parents know she is dressing like that, I’m sure my parents didn’t know or I didn’t care at least. Of course there were some daddy issues mingled in there and then finally finding a boyfriend who was actually more shy than I was had me all sorts of confused. Wanting love and not understanding what love really was at 15 was tough and I’m sure it’s something a lot of girls that age were and are battling with. Heck, even though I know I’m loved now I still struggle expressing love. I thought that being physically intimate was how love was shown. Don’t get me wrong here, there is something to be said about love and intimacy, it’s a wonderful way to express love with your husband or wife, but what I was doing then and up until probably 12 years ago was not love. I was trying to prove that I was worth something and using my body to do so. Not healthy.

What has Changed?

I realized love wasn’t there with that first serious relationship. Then I realized love definitely was not in the next one. The physical abuse and emotional tearing down from that relationship did a number on me. It made me realize how unhappy I was. It made me realize that jumping into bed with people was not growing a good relationship, it was grown based solely on lust and not working. While I was broken, I knew that I didn’t deserve that kind of love.

Then I met Troy. It’s been 11 years, I’m glad we chose to take it slow. It was a year before we moved in together. It wasn’t perfect to start but he was kind, good with my kids, fun and we could spend time together without sex and enjoy ourselves.  I’m glad I was patient and stuck to my plan of getting to know him first, attraction is a hard beast to keep in check. It’s paid off and we’re married now! This year I finally realized I’m worth more than my body and if I’m honest it’s something I still struggle with and pray about often.

The No Bikini Decision…

This year has been full of ups and downs. I decided in January that I wanted to be baptized. I couldn’t get past the statement of beliefs and the thought of modesty. Before you start thinking cult, think back to what was worn during the time of Jesus, I doubt Mary Magdalen wore anything that resembled the bikini I wore last summer, we always dress nice going to church because we want to put our best foot forward for God but God is always with us, not just at church. I digress, if you look back through my different workout transformations you’ll see that I felt the need to wear the least amount of clothing possible to show the results my workouts were having. That’s the me who felt like my body had to be the display of my works, sex sells and I thought that if I didn’t blast bikini and booty pics, I wouldn’t make it as a coach. I don’t want people to buy things because of my body, I want people to buy things from me because they want to be healthy! I’ve decided that health isn’t just shown visibly in a half clad body, it can be shown in energy, glowing skin, healthy hair, attitude, happiness, just a zest for life! Conquering obstacles! In fact I started learning about my self worth at an obstacle race, I conquered something I never would have thought I could do before and learned that my body is strong, not something to just give away.

When I started coaching I didn’t feel comfortable posting bikini pics to start but I was told to get out of my comfort zone. I even got bold and posted a picture of myself in my underwear. That defeated my conscience and I am thankful that continuing to study and grow my relationship with God has helped me to realize that. It’s been baby step after baby step but I am happy.

We cannot give our hearts to God & keep our bodies for ourselves. Elisabeth Elliot

Shorts and a Tank

I purchased a pair of shorts and a tank top a few weeks ago because I didn’t want to blast my body as an object anymore. I wanted to be able to go out and swim or hang out on the beach and not get whistled at or harassed. I wanted to spend time with my family not worrying about adjusting my top or keeping my behind covered. I don’t feel like I need to share all of my body with anyone else anymore. My new swimwear has given me a new satisfaction.

It’s given me freedom. It’s given me peace. It’s given me more time to enjoy than to spend worrying if I “look good”.